If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
