I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
