Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
