he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
