I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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