i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
