I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Couch. On fire.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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