I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
