Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
40s are totally the cure
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
