never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
