Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Too much gin, very little bucket
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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