If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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