I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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