Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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