I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
