just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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