i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
