i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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