im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He better not be in your backpack
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
