Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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