My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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