dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
