having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
