I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We're too hungover to prance.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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