Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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