I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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