I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
