i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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