Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
