Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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