There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
