i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
