she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
