I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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