Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
