So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
