I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
