I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
