Do you still have your period?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
