You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
