I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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