Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you never un-have a 4some
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
