did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
