its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
