I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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