He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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