I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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