i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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