I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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