Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
