plz talk dirty to me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
