i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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