Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
