your parents love me but you hate me
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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