you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize