i permit you to call me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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