She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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