If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
